Ashton's Not Gay!
by Question the Majority
Summary: Ashton discovers the unsettling trend in Star Ocean 2 fanfics of saying that he's gay. He then sets out to prove that he is, indeed heterosexual... and fails miserably. [Rated T for subject matter... and Bowman]
1. Those Evil, Evil Fanfics...

Okay, this story isn't any great work of literature, but it's still pretty funny. As per usual, I don't own any of these characters. I wish I did. I could force them to make me sandwiches. NOW READ, MY SLAVERING PILL-MONKEYS!--Matt  
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**Ashton's Not Gay!  
**by Matt Garner

A long time ahead in the future, in a galaxy far, far away...

After quite a long period of braving the trials of the Nedian Fields and questing to save the Universe; Claude Kenni, Rena Lanford, and their companions decided to take a well-deserved break in one of Nede's friendly towns. One which didn't actually appear in the game, of course, but it's in my story because I felt like it! So take off, ya' hosers!

Anyway, Ashton Anchors was greatly enjoying this day off and was wasting some time at the local library, playing around on the computers. The accident-prone hero had just recently discovered the amazing invention called "the internet" and he was currently having a blast reading story after story written by fans about himself and his friends' adventures. It felt kind of cool to see how many people out there were cheering for them and even writing their own adventure stories (if not a tad glorified) about them. Gyoro and Ururun, Ashton's body-sharing dragons, found these fanfics to be very juvenile and believed Ashton's obsession with them to be highly egotistical, but he really didn't care either way.

As Ashton was just finishing a story he rather enjoyed (something about him being really cool and fighting off a lot of monsters and not messing up in any way), Dias Flac sauntered up and glanced over the young man's shoulder (and dragon heads) to get a glimpse of the computer screen.

"What the heck are you doing?" the morose swordsman drawled in his usual deep, miserable voice. Ashton hated it when Dias talked like that. Dias always made him feel even more upset than usual and the last thing Ashton needed was someone adding to his near-crippling manic depression.

"Nuthin' much," Ashton replied, clicking through a few more pages of fanfictions, "I'm just looking at some stuff some of our fans wrote about us..."

The light from the screen flickered off of Dias' bored, half-closed mahogany eyes.

"Fascinating..." he commented dryly. Gyoro snapped at him.

"I think it's cool!" Ashton stated plainly.

"It's stupid," Dias complained further, "Why would you want to read what some boring fanboy with no life would write about us? It only brings you into a fantasy world that either praises or belittles your fighting skills and therefore deludes you. A real hero should keep his mind constantly aware of reality and his own true skills."

Gyoro snarled and Ururun mulled over what a pain Dias could be at times. Ashton just huffed.

"Well I didn't ask for your opinion anyway, you big jerk!" Ashton whined. "Why don't you go upset someone else? I want to spend my day off relaxing!"

Dias shrugged and turned to walk away when he suddenly heard Ashton emit an extremely girly squeal of fear. Instantly, Ashton's thin fingers were grasping Dias' thick shoulders tightly. Dias snarled and rolled his eyes, sensing Ashton's entire body shaking wildly.

"DIAS! DIAS, LOOK AT THIS!"

"What is it now, you little twit?"

"Look at what this one person wrote! It's... it's... Just look at it!"

In hopes of shutting up this hyperactive little moron, Dias turned back around and glanced at the screen.

"... why are you kissing me in this story?" was all he said, rather disgusted as well.

"SEE? That's what I was talking about!" Ashton squeaked, "This person thinks I'm..." he paused for either dramatic effect or just because he was embarrassed to say it: "He thinks I'm... gay..."

Gyoro snickered nastily. Ururun gave him a look that said "Don't laugh. It's mean."

Dias shrugged. "So?"

"I'm not gay!"

"I know."

"But... but..."

Turning on his heel, Dias muttered "You're not gay. Big deal. I don't care..." and started to leave. He had a full schedule of moping and complaining for the day and he wasn't about to let wimpy little Ashton ruin it for him...

The unlucky adventurer's bright green eyes stared disbelievingly at his dismal traveling companion. "But they're saying the same thing about you too, Dias! Doesn't that make you mad or upset or... or SOMETHING?"

"Not really..." Dias droned as he walked away. "Just because they say it doesn't make it true..."

Ashton watched as the tall, dark warrior walked out of the library, probably in search of another well-meaning person to make miserable.

_He's right, you know_, Ururun grunted encouragingly to her paranoid host. Ashton smiled softly and gently patted Ururun's blue, smoothly-scaled head. She made a low, deep growl of gratitude.

"Yeah, I know," Ashton said, "I was just kinda' shocked, I guess... Let's see if there's anything better here..."

And so he sat back down and searched for a more flattering story about... well, himself. Unfortunately, it seemed that everything he found afterwards had something or everything to do with him being homosexual! This made him rather irate, as you might guess! Gyoro just started laughing uncontrollably.

"SHUT UP!" Ashton barked, "It's not funny!"

_It is too!_ the golden-red dragon cackled with glee. _I knew there HAD to be some other people out there who knew you were a fairy! I mean you're such a girly, whiny little..._

"I'M NOT LIKE THAT!" Ashton yelled.

Ururun attempted to calm him down again. _We know that, dear,_ she urged, _Don't let Gyoro get to you. He's just trying to make you upset._

"No!" Ashton demanded, standing up triumphantly and shaking his fist. "If people really think this about me, then it's high-time I started acting different! Nede's gonna' see a NEW Ashton Anchors! I'm a MAN, darn it, and I'm gonna' start acting like it!"

Just then, everyone else in the library glared demonically at the loud, possessed, shrieking man and shushed him in unison. Ashton shrank back down and tapped his fingers together nervously, muttering "sorry..."


	2. The Bar Scene

"Okay!" Ashton shouted spiritedly once he had been forcibly evicted from the library. "Now to do some stereotypically manly tough-guy stuff!"

_Is this absolutely necessary?_

"YES, URURUN, IT IS!" the hero bawled, "I'm tired of having people say all these mean things about me!"

_Why doncha' head to a bar?_ Gyoro suggested.

Ururun and Ashton both looked at him as if he were an idiot.

"Now what would that..." Ashton started, but then suddenly he grinned as a light came on in his head. "Of course! MANLY guys drink a lot of beer! And HECK, alcohol doesn't even affect me at all! This is gonna' be easier than I thought!"

_I don't think this is such a good idea..._ worried Ururun as Ashton marched proudly toward the nearest alcoholic drink establishment.

"Don't worry, about it, 'Ruru..." Ashton laughed as he swung open the doors, "What could possibly... go... wrong...?"

It was then that our intrepid hero got a good look at the inside of the bar. It was decorated in really tacky styles with lots of purple, rainbows, and tiger-skins. There were absolutely no women in the bar, but there were a lot of men that looked like women. At the bar was a thin, blonde man with a big smile on his face.

"Hello, handsthome!" lisped the blonde fellow, "Welcome to 'Buddy'sth!' What can I do ya' for?"

Ashton, Gyoro, and Ururun calmly shrieked their little heads off in unison and made a mad escape from the bar.

"IT SHOULDN'T BE!" moaned Ashton as he fled down the streets. "IT JUST SHOULDN'T BEEEEEEEEEE!"

As luck would have it, who should Ashton bump into while ranting and raving, but the team's resident dirty old pervert: Bowman Jean! Well, technically, he wasn't really dirty as a pharmacist should really keep clean, and he wasn't really old as he was only 27, but he most certainly WAS a pervert, lemme tell ya!

"Calm down, kid!" Bowman said, even though he was only 7 years older than the now-frantic man. "Take it easy! Ashton... ASHTON! For Pete's sake, chill!"

Since none of his "comforting" phrases were managing to calm Ashton down, Bowman just took a pill from his labcoat and jammed it down his colleage's screaming throat. This had the immediate effect of making Ashton feel very relaxed (and the future effect of giving him really bad DTs).

"There now! Now you tell old Uncle Bowman what's wrong!"

"Well," sobbed Ashton, "Everyone was sayin' mean stuff that I'm gay an' all... So I tried ta' prove I wasn't by goin' to a bar... But I messed up an' it was really a gay bar... An' I think the owner was that guy from the Kids in the Hall, but..."

"I knew this day would come!" Bowman interrupted energetically. "You see, Ashton," he continued, wrapping his arm around Ashton's shoulders and pulling him (and the dragons) into a near-fatal headlock, "I've been worried about your lack of interest in shamefully ogling women and making sexist remarks! However, it's good to know that you want to prove that you are, indeed, heterosexual! Do not worry, though! I know EXACTLY the place you should go to!"

"Y-you'd really help me?" Ashton asked, eyes all big and watery.

"Yes, but I won't if you keep looking at me that way..."

"Sorry," Ashton mumbled.

And so, good ol' Bowman took young Ashton by the collar and dragged him into another bar... this one was very dark and only had a few neon lights. On the GOOD side, there were a lot of women at this bar... on the BAD side, a lot of the women weren't wearing very much... in fact, most of them were taking off all their clothes. A few in particular kept approaching Ashton until he ran out of the strip-bar crying and covering his eyes while bellowing "WHY DOES IT BURN?"

"...faggot..." breathed Bowman under his breath.


	3. Love Hurts

Upset and downtrodden from the day's unsuccessful events, Ashton trudged to the local inn to take a rest and, hopefully, feel better afterwards. Just as Gyoro was about to throw in another mean-spirited jest at Ashton's expense, a young, hyperactive female voice was heard calling our protagonist's name.

"Ashton! Hey Ash!"

A broad smile came to Ashton's face as he turned around to find the owner of the voice. Running towards him (bathed in a glorious ray of dramatic sunlight) was Precis Newman. His beloved. The one person in the Universe who he could tell all his problems to and be sure she would understand.

Gyoro grunted in frustration as the hyper 16-year-old bounded toward them, dirty blonde hair flowing behind her. It was bad enough his host had to be in love with such a hyper girl, but did she also have to be four years younger than he was? It was disgusting! Sure, the two of them never did anything "illegal" and had decided not to do anything of that sort until after being married, but still, it was shameful! ... Plus Gyoro just liked finding fault with others.

Ururun just felt nervous whenever Precis and Ashton were kissing or anything because, let's face it, it's awkward being the third party in those situations, especially when you're physically attached to one of the former two parties' shoulder-blades. Oh sorry, I started rambling. Anyway...

"Hey, Precis-dear!" Ashton said happily as the girl tackled him and wrapped her arms tightly around his waist. "What's up, my little one?"

"Oh, Ashton, I just heard about your secret..." Precis squeaked, a slight sound of disappointment in her still-energetic voice.

The two dragons looked at each other warily. Puzzled, Ashton gently ran his fingers through his girlfriend's hair and asked "What secret, honey?"

"Welllllllllllllll... I was just talkin' to some of the people here who are, like, really big fans of ours, you know..." she answered, speaking very quickly, "And so, like, they were talkin' about you an' all and they told me that you're gay, and..."

"B-but I'm not..."

"You don't have to hide it from me!" Precis said, trying to sound encouraging. "I understand if that's your preference, and I won't stand in your way! I just hope we can still be really good friends!"

"Precis, I'm not gay!"

"It's okay," she said, giving him another hug, "I told you, I understand."

Ashton was now very put-out at this point. "But I love YOU, Precis!"

This comment didn't seem to go too well. Precis looked up at Ashton with tears in her big green eyes. "Don't make this any more difficult for me!" she sobbed. After a deep kiss, she blurted out "I'm not going to stand in your way!" and ran off, crying uncontrollably.

Ashton stood there, staring blankly as his reason for living ran off in tears. Ururun leaned downward and tried to comfort Ashton by snuggling against his cheek. Gyoro just laughed wildly... which led Ururun to whirl around and snap angrily at him.


	4. Rena Gets Mad

Rena Lanford headed toward the inn that she and her friends were staying at for the time being. She had decided that the best way to enjoy their "day off" would be to take a nice, long nap. Just as she opened the door to their very large room (think about how huge those hotel rooms must be to hold 12 people!), a frightening image came to her eyes. Namely, Ashton Anchors, about to ingest... _BUM-BUM-BUMMMMM_… **SPICY CAKE!**

"ASHTON, YOU FOOL! NO!" she shrieked, lunging at the unlucky dope and trying to wrench the slice of lethally foul-tasting confectionery from his hands.

"BACK OFF, RENA!" Ashton commanded, now fighting off both his dragons _and_ a surprisingly strong teenage girl. "I'm going to eat this vile failure item and end my life! And there's nothing you can do to stop me! I DON'T HAVE A REASON TO LIVE!"

Then, as the currently-playing action music swelled up, Rena hauled off and slapped Ashton as hard as she could across the face. The cake flew out the window and exploded, injuring countless innocent bystanders. Ashton fell to the floor in a heap, sobbing vehemently.

"Um... s-sorry I hit you, Ashton..." Rena muttered nervously, not really knowing what had just happened, "But... why were you trying to kill yourself with that spicy cake?"

(Author's Note: Yes, that entire cake incident WAS intentionally stupid. Question my ways and I shall destroy you.)

Ashton then burst into an emotional explanation of the day's events.

"That's terrible!" Rena said after her friend had told his story. "I can't believe they said all those mean things about you, Ashton! It's just... I mean that's... just not nice! Come on, Ashton!" she added, grabbing his arm and rushing out of the inn, "We're going to set these jerks straight! (No pun intended.)"

Soon enough, Rena was standing on a platform in front of everyone with Ashton standing nearby.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" she shouted into her microphone, "Your attention please! My friend, Ashton Anchors, has been wrongfully accused of being homosexual! You should all be ashamed of yourselves for saying stuff like that about such a nice, sweet man! I mean just because a guy is a little sensitive and likes to cook..."

"Don't forget my extensive jewelry collection!" Ashton added.

"Er... yyyyeah..." Rena said somewhat cautiously. "Er, anyway, just because a guy acts emotional doesn't mean he's gay! You people have no idea how much you've hurt my friend's feelings and... Well... I'm just mad about it, darn it!"

Now the population had seen the error of their ways. Never again would they wrongfully accuse someone of being gay just because they were a little different! After this speech, an overjoyed Precis leaped onstage and clung tightly to her dear boyfriend. Really sappy music started playing as Ashton and Precis hugged and kissed, and then suddenly Claude was seen with a thoughtful expression on his face.

"I guess this all just goes to show that you can't believe everything you read..." he mused.

"Well now, I wouldn't say thaaaaaaat..." giggled Dias as he batted his eyelashes and flicked his wrist in a very sissy manner. Claude took one look at the tall, muscular man who was now dressed in a frilly purple suit, then screamed at the top of his lungs in total fear.

** AN END!**


End file.
